The practice of retreat
The only writing I do in my day to day is scratch notes while I’m in the room with clients, clinical progress notes at the end of each work day, and the occasional journaling in my free time. I’ve been needing a place for my wonderings, insights, and reflections, inspired by my professional field but also daily life and personal interests. Field Notes will be this place for me, as well as for anyone who may stumble upon it. And what better time to start writing than while retreating in the Belgian countryside. This week has been filled with wonder, exploration, stillness, and creativity. I started Newfield Therapy a little over a year ago, so it feels timely to reflect on the year, express gratitude, and dream about the future.
To be completely honest, my time away didn’t start out with the level of tranquility I feel today. It normally takes me one or two days to settle into a vacation. One of my theories is that it has something to do with identity confusion. No matter the type of vacation I’m on, there’s usually a shift in identity that happens. Traveling to Europe with only my spouse means my parenting identity isn’t active, nor is my therapist identity. Instead, I’m made very aware of my American and Texan identities, and on this particular vacation, my husband identity has more space to be expressed. While all of these identities play a part in who I am, they are ultimately not my truest self. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), the True Self is defined as the “undamaged spiritual and psychological center of a person. It is not a role but an openhearted state of being.” As you can imagine, the process of accessing the True Self can actually be a bit scary! It almost always requires change, discomfort, vulnerability, and openness or trust. Even for those who don’t have a history of trauma and have simply experienced disappointment or heartbreak, the requirements for arriving at our most authentic self are usually quite unnatural to us, at least early on in the process of healing and maturing.
Therefore, there’s a temptation to cling to or rely on the ego (or false self) during this process, which really just means to fall back on old patterns of coping or attachments one might have to certain roles, thought patterns, or behaviors that have historically served as protection from pain, distress, or even honest self-examination (yikes!). However, one who is able to mindfully observe and tolerate the discomfort, look inward with compassion, and perhaps even be open to something greater than oneself, will very likely arrive at the end of one’s false self and the beginning of one’s True Self — and this, as terrifying as it might be for some, is a wonderful place to land. This “openhearted state of being” is expansive and restorative, providing a delicate balance of stimulation and deep groundedness and connection.
The good news is it doesn’t require flying across the world to arrive here. One can carve out space for this weekly or even daily, through practices like journaling, quiet walks, self-examination, confession, and meditation. Though, I do think the greater the investment of time and risk, the more familiar one will become with the True Self and therefore, the more impactful the experience will be. Thus, retreats are a necessary annual practice for me and something I hope to offer at Newfield Therapy in the coming years. Until then, I’ll continue retreating to quiet places near and far, drawn with eager expectation for the surprises and clarity that inevitably arise within me when I take the time to quiet my mind and connect deeply with myself and the surrounding environment.
"There is in us an instinct for newness, for renewal, for a liberation of creative power. We seek to awaken in ourselves a force which really changes our lives from within."
— Thomas Merton
